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Getting Rid of Matrimonial Cold Feet!

Before making another step in marrying again, you need to consider what happened in your first marriage.

Ask Yourself Hard Questions:

You need to ask yourself, "how could I be a better spouse"? Why did that marriage end in divorce? What really went wrong? What weaknesses do I still need to work on?

No need to get defensive! Asking yourself these hard questions now may keep you from repeating mistakes that you made in your first marriage--in your second one. You must be willing to answer these type of questions before before you can think of marrying again.

Know What You're Looking for in a Mate This Time:

This is not to say that you did not ask yourself this question on the first round, but maturity, and experience, should bring more clarity to the answers that you get. Don't be shy about being firm in what you’re really looking for in a partner. Stick with your guns on the character traits you want, as long as you are being reasonable. Don’t force yourself to settle down just because you’re lonely and feel in dire need of a companion. Finally, let time answer your questions. Enjoy your freedom, at least for a moment and give yourself much time in finding your potential mate before you say “I do” again.

When marrying the second time around, you now know that there are lots of things to consider for making a marriage a successful one.

 •EXPECTATIONS FOR A HEALTHY MARRIAGE: What is each partner's expectation for a healthy and happy marriage? If your potential new spouse has never been married, he or she may have vastly different expectations. Head off trouble by talking about your expectations for the marriage. Do not be put aside by accusations that "this isn't romantic!" Nothing is more unromantic than a tense, angry marriage.

•REALISTIC APPROACH OF LOVE: Perhaps one of the best things about a second marriage is that partners tend to have a more realistic approach to love. This can be the best thing ever to happen in a the second marriage. Realistic does not mean boring. Realistic means setting aside some of the less mature demands of a younger, earlier marriage and fearlessly taking up newfound knowledge about how men and women really act and react in situations. Second marriages is where stereotypes about roles should die a natural death. Stereotype is not the same as an expectation built on real feelings and cultural history. If both partners are comfortable with marriage roles that fit along a traditional mold, then this is a realistic expectation, not a stereotype.

•POSITIVE ATTITUDE AND OUTLOOK IN LIFE: We are not talking here about "put on a happy face," but the power of positive thinking and a positive attitude has been shown over and over to be real. By positive attitude, we are not talking about perfection, but rather a happy, adjusted appreciation of the good things in your life. If thoughts of this second marriage send your happy feelings skittering across the woodwork, you should seriously reconsider taking this next step. Do not force yourself into a second marriage just to ensure the happiness of your potential spouse. BIG mistake.

•COMMUNICATING ABOUT FEELINGS: Talking about your feelings has gotten a bad rap lately, perhaps because therapists and counselors of a decade or so ago pushed everyone to talk about everything, constantly. This too often left partners all talked out, exhausted, but still divorced and very angry. Still, there is no way around it (sorry!). You must be open to discuss in a marriage, or a relationship headed that way, the things you  really feel. If nothing else, a first marriage should have taught you that bad things don't go away; they just hide until you're not paying attention, then jump up to bite you in the hindquarters when you are not looking. This time around, make time to talk. This also can help in keeping the love flame alive. Listen to your partner.

•LISTENING: Listening is the under discussed side of the communicating coin. You may not be able to do everything your new partner wants, but it doesn’t cost you to listen to your partner closely and give respect to his or her feelings about a problem. Understanding and accepting weaknesses are part of marriage. Be careful! Being understanding is very different from being condescending. Anger also may arise during your listening. Learn how to count to ten.

•HAVING FIGHTS AND SETTLING ARGUMENTS: Arguments are treated very differently in many cultures. Begging the stereotype, Italians are known as world-class fighters, able to to yell, gesture, stomp, and carryon during an argument with operatic flair and dramatic grace. They are also known for kissing and passionately making up quickly, so that's all right. Other cultures severely frown against women arguing opening with their husbands, even in the privacy of the home. Cultural considerations cannot be ignored, but most cultures have some mechanism for marital "discussions." A safe axiom is that no matter how loud the volume gets, the point is to argue about whatever, not to destroy, humiliate, or denigrate your partner. Or, put another way, if these are the point, you need to seriously reconsider marriage to a partner who uses arguments as occasions to take you on under a black flag. Otherwise, respect your partner’s opinion. TRY to listen. Settle your arguments in due time. Arguments that go unsettled are like poison in a relationship.

•COMMON SPIRITUAL FOUNDATION AND GOAL: Religion and spiritual beliefs take on a weight in marriage that it may not have before. Many couples have been surprised to find that these matters have huge importance once you marry, especially if children come into it. It may be good if both of you believe in the same religious doctrine, but this does not ensure peace. Sub sects and differing beliefs within religions and individual beliefs within may make being of the same religion only a marginal plus, but it is important. Do not ignore it.

•COMBINING A FAMILY: What if your new spouse has a child or children in his/her previous marriage? You must know at least step-parenting skills. You are dealing emotions of their new environment. Be a good to them as they are of crucial importance to your potential spouse. Accept them as you have accepted your partner.

All these questions, and more, should be asked before you go into a second marriage. Maybe the money lesson is one of those you learned in your first marriage. If not, go back to the paragraph on "Arguments," read it again, then start talking about this money thing.

In entering another chapter in your life, second marriage is a very challenging obligation for you. Many different things will about to change in your everyday life when you finally decided in remarrying again. You must be prepared of the new responsibility you will take and how you take it with readiness.

Sacrifice and true love must be your agenda for marriage. These cannot be taken for granted. May your second marriage be a successful and fruitful one. Best wishes and good luck!

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