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Dating after a divorce is tough. Let's face it internet dating anytime is a minefield. You don’t quite know where to start so here are a few common internet dating mistakes and their solutions. Remember you don't have to do this alone.

1. Too Much Too Soon So you have been plowing through those endless profiles on your internet dating site and have come up with someone who interests you. There has been an exchange of emails. He sounds fun and witty and you begin to look forward to his messages. You find yourself getting up earlier in the morning just to log on whilst you drink your coffee to see if he has sent a response to your latest remarks. During the day you compile witty replies in your head and suggestive lines to throw his way. This has gone on for a couple of weeks and he suddenly asks if he can call you. Your chest expands; you are really excited and arrange a time. Now you are curled up in your favorite chair waiting for the call. Guess what it goes well, the same light banter, his voice is not what you expect but that is OK. You talk for an hour. This becomes a daily ritual which you begin to plan your time around. And then he invites you to dinner...

2. Making too much nervous fuss. It has been a while since you've had a romantic candlelit dinner at an expensive restaurant. Your immediate thoughts are: what to wear, do you need to get a haircut, new hairdo, new shoes, a new you? This means that you spend the best part of the time before your date running around with wild, crazy making thoughts in your head. You decide that you need to invent a new person to go on this date. In order to be that person you have to package yourself in some particular way. There must be some "magic key" that you can find, a particular dress, a "younger looking" suit, etc. You believe that you need to make yourself more appealing. What you actually make is yourself crazy.

3. Thinking that you already know the person from an online profile. The evening has arrived and you are ready to meet at the arranged restaurant (good step, as all the dating advice recommends that you meet in a public place). You are especially nervous and excited but also slightly uncomfortable because the shoes are new and you feel a bit wobbly in them. It is strange you recognize this person but at the same time you don’t. The voice you know that but he does not look like the person in the photograph, taller, shorter a bit heavier or gangly something is not as you imagined. Anyway he seems quite at ease but maybe that is just a contrast to how you are feeling. Initially conversation is going well as there are points of contact from your previous conversations but it isn’t going anywhere. By the main course you are starting to drink a little too much to fill in the silences. Your feet really hurt now and you are taking surreptitious glances at your watch – only 9 o’clock. No dessert thanks and by the way you have an early start in the office tomorrow so you have to go soon. Can’t think of anything but getting out of the shoes. Yes it was good, do call me… Well, there goes another one.

4. Fantasy – relax, it’s only in your head, for now. Next day, for two weekends, a month or two, and the emails and calls are still going back and forth furiously, and you continue to respond. It’s a though you have never met and you can get on with the easy going repartee that has become almost a habit. In your mind he is something you want him to be, well not quite but you can have yourself believe that he is whilst you exchange messages and late night calls. You are starting to develop a whole life in your head around this person, you imagine where you can live with him, what you will do, holidays together in fact everything you ever want with someone. This is taking up a lot of head space but that is enjoyable in itself, you feel connected to someone if only in your mind, for now, and that is fine as long as you do not use the pleasant buzz to ignore the rest of your life.

5. Not Paying Attention to the Signals A week or so more and you are becoming slightly irritated by the emails and are not responding quite so readily. But he asks you if you want to come out for another evening and that heart leaps to your throat again. You agree even though there is a vague memory of discomfort from th first meeting. Well you remind yourself that all the dating advice recommends that it is about getting to know someone. I can’t expect to feel comfortable about everything immediately. He is suggesting dinner again, you don’t really want to but you are not sure what you want to do so you go along with it. You had arranged to see a girl-friend that night but you tell her you can’t make it, she seems a bit put-out but you put that thought aside. The second evening seems very long.

6. Focusing Too Narrowly.  It is so tempting to put all your focus on one person at a time when you are looking to date on the internet. But it is important to remember that not only are all those people out there looking at numerous people at any one time but you could be too. If you put most of your time and energy into any one contact at a very early stage this means that you cannot scout, screen and sort other possible people. Don’t make a big investment emotionally in any relationship without solid foundations.

7. Thinking You Already Know This Person.  We can easily be seduced by email conversations and late night telephone calls. Apart from the actual chemistry that is missing in these exchanges there is that part that you know very well yourself, where you just reveal what you want at any given time. If you know what your requirements are in a relationship this will help you assess quite quickly if this person is for you. Most of us allow things to just drift along and are not pro-active in having a plan for ourselves when it comes to relationships. Take some time to plan what you want in a relationship before you get into a habit or rut with someone.

It is amazing how quickly we can get ourselves into habits, presumptions, and expectations with online dating, even when we are new to it. Anyone  you would  want to share life with will have, hopefully, a sane temperament and a balanced life with all these other activities and people in their life. Take it easy. Straining towards exclusivity at a very early stage of an online relationship and throwing all your time and attention towards tone potential mate can be a disaster.

Get out there and start having fun with online dating. Get to know what your requirements, needs and wants are, and look for someone who can meet these. If this search takes time, it will be worth it.

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